Meanderings on love

I have been thinking a lot about romantic love lately. On the heels of yet another failed relationship, I was on the verge of throwing in the towel, giving up the quest, quitting while I was behind.

I am woman, hear me roar.

Problem is, I'm really not wired to be alone. Oh, it's fine for now. I just don't wanna live like this forever. Plus, I just tossed my 100 Things out there. Maybe something BIG is about to happen. I sure wouldn't want to miss it.

I have resisted the concept of soul mates; certainly, there isn't just ONE person out there waiting for me. Talk about a needle in a haystack! Then again, have you ever had the experience of meeting someone for the first time and feeling as if you'd known that person forever? That happened to me recently. The theme music from "The Twilight Zone" has been running through my head ever since.

It's all very mysterious. The winds are shifting, for sure. Tired of fighting, I'm just gonna adjust my sails and see where I end up. I have a wonderful feeling my destination is going to be better than the one I was headed for, anyway.

On my list today:

Do the next thing.

Have fun when I can.

Grab every brass ring I can lay my hands on.

***

This is the kind of love I crave. Find a tissue before you watch.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

My Best Birthday Ever

I celebrated my 51st birthday on Sunday.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

It seems like just yesterday I turned 25. I was mortified. Despite this - or maybe because of it - my then-husband chose to announce the event to the world.

It seems incredible to me now, but that was the most panicked I have ever been about a birthday milestone. Even the big five-oh didn't hit me as hard. Now, of course, there are days I would give anything to turn the clock back to 1984. When I was 25, the future seemed bright. I was a newlywed, living in a cute little house in a comfortable neighborhood in Peoria, Illinois, keeping the home fires burning and teaching piano lessons while Jeffrey went to graduate school and worked part-time. I looked forward to having children and living the American dream.

Life hasn't turned out quite the way I imagined it would. My work is satisfying and I thank God every day for my three healthy, bright, creative, funny sons. But sometimes I find myself apologizing that I don't have more to show for all these years. I have felt ashamed of my simple home, my modest income, my aging face and body, embarrassed that I can't play the "Minute Waltz" on the piano in less than a minute, a failure because I am single.

There is a Rascal Flatts song with the lyrics, "There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by, and I have made up my mind that those days are gone." This is my new motto. From this moment forward, I feel pride in my past accomplishments while feeding my dreams for the future. I may not post a sign on the garage, but I will never again apologize for my age. I don't feel 51, whatever that means; I will take care of what I have, and if someone finds me unacceptable because I am not successful or attractive - or simply young - enough, then it is his loss.

I can hardly believe it myself, but I am happy to be 51. As a wise man once said, "I'm not dead yet!"

Expecting the Best

My blog post 100 Things generated a lot of response - comments posted directly to the blog and on Facebook and a handful of emails. One very sweet fellow even went through the list and explained, point by point, how well he satisfies my criteria.

Unfortunately, he also lives about seven hundred miles away. But it was cause for hope. Maybe all the good guys really AREN'T already taken.

And a couple of themes emerged.

Most everybody agreed that even though the "ideal man" doesn't exist, it is good that I have given some thought to what he might look like. However, while some felt that my list was right on the mark; others believe I am aiming too high.

I concur with Tami's conclusion: "You have to dream big in order to get big things out of life." I have settled for too little for too long. Those days are gone. It's about time I get what I deserve.

A few people felt compelled to point out to me that men likewise have desires and expectations, and that I will play an important role in the success or failure of future relationships. A male friend expressed it this way: "Relationships are not 50/50; they are 90/10... In other words, if your partner can only give you at best an equal relationship it will never work. Period. They have to know you, understand you, magically be able to tell that you need more of them than just 'enough.' And you must do the same in return."

I'm not sure that I agree with his statistics, although I think I see his point. But my experience has been that I am the person giving the 90 percent to the relationship about 90 percent of the time. It is possible to feel more alone WITH someone than single. Again, I am determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Finally, there were those who thought I was being too darn picky. Okay, I admit it: every item on the list is not a "deal breaker." And some are a little ambiguous. So allow me to clarify a few points.

12. "Appreciates good music."

He is passionate about the music he is into and is open to learning new music, as opposed to being stuck in the 80's. (But, hey, I like 80's music, too!)

32. "Is tall."

I prefer that my partner be taller than I am - which is 5'2". But for various reasons I am particularly attracted to men who are much taller. For the most part, though, I do not have an ideal "body type" in mind. I have loved men of many shapes and sizes.

38. "Knows how to do basic household chores."

And DOES them on a regular basis.

40. "Doesn't keep me awake snoring."

I recognize that certain medical conditions cause snoring. Recently, it was brought to my attention that *I* snore sometimes. Average snoring does not keep me awake. That's all I can say without risking a lawsuit.

46. "Does not think it's okay to hit someone else - ever."

Obviously, exception must be made for self-defense.

48. "Has developed a personal philosophy."

He has a spiritual path, possibly his own unique one, with a lifelong commitment to personal growth.

58. "Brings me flowers and candy for no reason."

I also expect him to acknowledge my birthday and our anniversary. He doesn't have to remember; I will remind him! But I love spontaneous gifts, too - giving as well as receiving.

78. "Knows more about cars than I do."

79. "Can fix things."

80. "Enjoys yard work.

This sounds sexist, doesn't it? But a traditional division of labor works for me. I am skilled in the domestic arts; I am even capable of housecleaning, although it isn't my favorite thing to do. However, I know little about home repair, less about cars, and I despise gardening. That said, I am not opposed to paying others to work on our cars, do home repairs, and mow our lawn - provided we can also pay others to cook, clean and sew for us. Or some combination of the above.

* * *

I fall in love easily - usually with a man's potential as opposed to who is actually is. As a result, I have spent years stuck in unsatisfactory relationships, wishing for someday that never came. So I must continually remind myself that the only moment I am guaranteed is right here, right now, and if a situation isn't working for me, I need to cut my losses and move on.

I have a wonderful life; I am already complete. But I am a sucker for a happy ending. Maybe I will meet someone brand new, look into his eyes, and it will be as if we have known each other forever. Or maybe I will run into someone I was acquainted with many years ago, and we will reconnect, and wonder how we have managed all these years without each other. Or maybe I will be dating someone - keeping it light, with no strings attached - and we will wake up one morning and realize we never want to spend another night apart.

In the meantime, I am finding joy in the journey.

100 Things

Dating is easy. Relationships are hard.

I have been in a handful of serious relationships since I divorced from my husband of 19 years in May 2001. For various reasons, each ended rather badly. I haven't completely written off the man I have been with the past few months, but he is newly divorced and, at least for now, unable or unwilling to give me what I need. So I guess that means I am still looking.

Or, at least, I'm not NOT looking.

* * *

From a recent issue of Oprah magazine:

"Jackie Scheller, now 46, was 'divorced and content with being single' when she read about a woman who wrote down 100 things she wanted in a man and five years later found her dream guy. Jackie decided to do the same thing... Nine months later, she met Chris Gilliam, now 40, at a senior citizens' dance, of all places... 'Chris has every quality I wanted but is much more,' says Jackie. The couple married last December."

So I decided to come up with my own list of things I want in a man. It took several attempts, but I finally came up with 100. You may laugh at some of them, but I no longer take ANYTHING for granted.

Here they are, in no particular order.

My ideal partner:

1. Has an amazing sense of humor, but know when to be serious.

2. Has a nice smile.

3. Makes eye contact.

4. Eats healthy/is not a picky eater.

5. Exercises regularly, but not fanatically.

6. Has steady employment.

7. Likes animals.

8. Expresses affection easily.

9. Likes travel (especially cruising).

10. Likes to try new things (food, places, experiences).

11. Enjoys reading.

12. Appreciates good music.

13. Is college educated.

14. Likes to dance.

15. Is a non-smoker.

16. Drinks responsibly.

17. Has good communication skills.

18. Knows how to dress for the occasion.

19. Has good personal hygiene.

20. Likes children, especially MY children.

21. Is emotionally mature, available and evolved.

22. Is financially stable.

23. Is capable of making a commitment.

24. Has a variety of interests.

25. Is open-minded and non-judgmental of others: not a racist, a bigot, or homophobic.

26. Is faithful to me.

27. Recycles, donates to a cause, volunteers, or otherwise is a contributing member to society's well-being.

28. Treats others with respect.

29. Tips generously.

30. Does not do illegal drugs.

31. Is not jealous of the time I spend with girlfriends.

32. Is tall.

33. Is confident and self-assured.

34. Is not vain, arrogant or conceited.

35. Asks how I'm doing and how my day was and really cares.

36. Compliments me now and then, especially when I have made a special effort to look nice.

37. Has goals and dreams and the drive to achieve them.

38. Knows how to do basic household chores.

39. Is interested in culture.

40. Doesn't keep me awake snoring.

41. Believes in doing the right thing.

42. Tells the truth.

43. Enjoys spending time with me.

44. Surprises me and likes being surprised.

45. Does not have a hot temper.

46. Does not think it's okay to hit someone - ever.

47. Is not verbally abusive.

48. Has developed a personal philosophy.

49. Understands that my children come first.

50. Gets more satisfaction than dissatisfaction from his job.

51. Is intelligent.

52. Is street smart.

53. Does not have friends of the opposite sex who are more than friends.

54. Has never been convicted of a felony.

55. Trusts me.

56. Does not withhold affection when he is upset.

57. Is okay with my independence as well as my occasional neediness.

58. Brings me flowers and candy for no reason.

59. Stands up for me when I am attacked, verbally or otherwise, and asks questions later.

60. Understands the value of play.

61. Smells good.

62. Misses me when we are apart.

63. Has a great speaking voice.

64. Tells me he loves me. Often.

65. Has his own group of friends.

66. Has his own interests that don't have to be the same as mine.

67. Is aware of pop culture and understands pop culture references.

68. Is young enough to keep up with me but old enough to have acquired some wisdom.

69. Is not condescending or patronizing.

70. Knows how to cook.

71. Is not argumentative, but is capable of healthy discussion/debate when we disagree on things.

72. Gets along with my friends and family.

73. Welcomes me into his family.

74. Has good table manners.

75. Has a good grasp of grammar.

76. Sees his glass as half-full.

77. Picks up after himself.

78. Knows more about cars than I do.

79. Can fix things.

80. Enjoys yard work.

81. Does not have a serious mental illness.

82. Is capable of sharing his feelings.

83. Is quick to forgive.

84. Is quick to sincerely apologize.

85. Is proud of me in public.

86. Can handle idiosyncratic behavior (for example, I am a pescetarian for the most part, but I love hot wings. And bacon.)

87. Is not overly materialistic but takes care of his physical needs.

88. Is independent as opposed to tied to a group of friends; is comfortable being alone or just with me a good deal of the time.

89. Enjoys going out with a group of people sometimes.

90. Is a good listener.

91. Thinks I am beautiful on the outside.

92. Thinks I am beautiful on the inside.

93. Understands that most things are not a big deal.

94. Is a safe driver.

95. Doesn't take unnecessary risks.

96. Understands the value of social networking.

97. Knows how to use a cell phone.

98. Is willing to make plans.

99. Is capable of being flexible when the circumstances warrant it.

100. Takes care of me when I am sick.

* * *

There are actually nine more, but since this blog is rated for general audiences, I am not including them on this list. If you are over 21, feel free to email me and I will share them with you. Unless you are my mom or dad. Or my brother.

What do you think? Am I asking for too much?

Summertime and the livin' is easy...

Apparently, it wasn't my destiny to serve on a jury this summer. The first two weeks of July came and went; I called the Atlanta District Court jury hotline faithfully every day at five o'clock sharp, and did the happy dance - would you like to see a video? - every time I received instructions not to report the next morning. Finally, on Thursday, July 15th, I was officially excused from the jury pool.

So it turns out I could have offered summer piano lessons this year. But my students claimed they needed a break. And, truth be told, so did I. I have gotten some much needed rest. And I have had time to tackle a few projects that I never seem to get around to when I am teaching.

I have made some progress on my brother's afghan. Intended to be his Christmas present last year, it wasn't ready for Valentine's Day delivery, either. But I have been knitting four rows every morning for the past couple of weeks, and it is starting to shape up. Four rows doesn't sound like a lot. But each row consists of 107 stitches worked on size 17 circular needles - they are HUGE - using TWO strands of worsted weight yarn. Four rows is about all my hands can manage; after that, they need a break. And, as we all know, slow but steady wins the race. At this rate, the afghan will be finished well before cold weather hits.

"Comfy" from Leisure Arts' Big Book of Quick Knit Afghans

I love the "checkerboard" pattern

I am also back to work on my novel. I spent several weeks stuck; I couldn't decide how my story was going to end. Would my heroine meet Prince Charming, get married and live happily ever after? Or would she find herself old and alone, on her deathbed, contemplating a lifetime of terrible choices? Finally, I have worked it all out in my head - wouldn't YOU like to know? - and as I approach the final two or three chapters, the writing is going faster. My goal is to have the first draft completely finished before I resume teaching August 9th; that will give me a couple of months to revise and polish before the Moonlight & Magnolias Conference October 1-3. Honestly? That may not be enough time. The more I learn about writing, the more I understand just how rough this first draft really is. But right now, this is my plan.

And I have completed a dozen or so pieces of jewelry - bracelets, necklaces and earrings - and will announce the grand opening of my Etsy store very, very soon. Here is a picture of one item I will offer: a silver and crystal mother or grandmother bracelet, customizable with one to six names and birthstones on one to three beaded strands. I love wearing mine.

Finally, I have been on a mission to get rid of some of the excess stuff that has been cluttering my home and cluttering my mind. My chief target areas were the kitchen and my bedroom. I wish I had taken "before" pictures. Every horizontal area of the kitchen, including the tops of the cabinets and the top of the refrigerator, was covered with something; my bedroom was filled to bursting with my beading and scrapbooking supplies (even though I haven't done any scrapbooking in seven or eight months), two racks of CD's that I never listen to (because they are all loaded on my computer and on my iPhone), a tiny bookshelf piled sky high with unread books, and a rocking chair (but not enough space to actually sit in it and rock). It took me a couple of days to figure out what to do with everything, but now the scrapbooking supplies are in the hall closet and the CD's are in a large plastic bin under my bed; the rocking chair is in the corner of the living room, where there is plenty of space for sitting and rocking; and the bookshelf and several hundred books from the collection in my music studio will be featured items in my garage sale this weekend. Now there is actually room to walk around my bed - and room to breathe. The atmosphere is so much more calm and peaceful.

Karma loves sleeping under my bed now.

(Okay, he has ALWAYS loved sleeping under my bed.)

The garage is the last frontier, and I have to get through it today, as I have already advertised the dates and hours of my garage sale - Friday and Saturday, 9AM-2PM - and I am determined to make it happen. Whatever doesn't sell is going IMMEDIATELY to Goodwill. Of course, this is a never ending process; there are drawers and closets waiting for me that I won't be able to get to today. But the hardest decisions are behind me and, hopefully, I have at least eliminated the possibility of ending up on "Hoarders."

A Seafaring Tale, Part 2

After reading A Seafaring Tale, Part 1, in which I described taking on some physical challenges during my cruise on the Carnival Legend - swimming with stingrays, ziplining through a canopy - a good friend pointed out that she sees me trying to grow by pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me. I found that interesting, because I feel that I am going through an intense period of personal growth right now, and it all started on the cruise. I will share more about that in a future post.

But I conquered a social challenge on the trip, too - the fear of traveling alone. This was the first time I went on a vacation without the benefit of an adult companion. Of course, Nathan was with me, but his cruise ship agenda is very different from mine. He likes to sleep late and roam the decks with the abundant supply of teenagers on board, and he has never been one for deck parties or Las Vegas style shows. To my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed having time to myself. I wrote in my journal; I read; I lounged in the sun; I listened to music. When I felt like being sociable, there were plenty of opportunities for that - at dinner, on the pool deck, on shore excursions, and in the disco. All I had to to was introduce myself and offer my hand; folks generally responded warmly, and on the infrequent occasions when I experienced rejection, I chose not to take it personally. I met so many interesting people: a male nurse, a dance instructor, a truck driver, a soldier on leave from Iraq. I danced with a lounge musician while he sang to me during a performance (twice!); I had my picture taken with the cruise director (he said I was "lovely"); I shared an evening with one of the junior officers in the disco. The truth is, if I hadn't been by myself, I probably wouldn't have gotten to know any of them. I loved hearing their stories, and I am keeping in touch with a few - online and on Facebook. (I even discussed the possibility of doing online piano lessons with two of the women I met.)

Now, I don't want to leave you with the impression that Nathan and I didn't see each other. We were together for lunch most days and we dined together every night. And, in addition to our shore excursions in Grand Cayman and Belize, we toured the San Gervasio Mayan Ruins in Cozumel, ending our day at Playa Azul;

Cheers!

and we interacted with monkeys and macaws at Gumbalimba Park in Roatan, and spent some time at a beautiful beach there.

Isla Roatan

Nathan even surprised me by participating in the "Red Team" activities and rocking out at the deck party near the end of the cruise.

Ooh! Ah! You wish you were on the Red Team!

So now you know why I say this was the best cruise ever.

I can't wait to go again.

A Seafaring Tale, Part 1

It's old news now. But Nathan and I cruised on the Carnival Legend May 30-June 6. It was a great vacation. I took some chances. And I learned a lot about myself.

We visited four ports: Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Isla Roatan, and Belize. They were all spectacular. But I will save Cozumel and Roatan for my next post. Because today I want to talk about high adventure. And it was in Grand Cayman and Belize that I took some real risks. At least for me.

I always book our shore excursions through the cruise line. I know, I know: you can save a few bucks if you book independently. But if you book through the cruise line, your ship isn't going to leave port without you, no matter what happens on your shore excursion. And anything can happen. For example, once when I was in the Bahamas, I took a shore excursion to a private beach, and our return ferry experienced mechanical problems. The tour operator had to send for another vessel, and we were actually late returning to the ship. We almost missed dinner - and it was formal night, lobster tail and baked Alaska. It would have been terrible to miss that dinner. But it would have been even worse to miss the ship.

But I digress. In Grand Cayman, our first port, I booked us on the "Discover Cayman - Stingrays, Hell & Turtle Farm" tour.

First, we rode a bus down Seven Mile Beach and went to "Hell."

Me with the devil

Next, we visited Boatswain's Turtle Farm.

Nathan holding a young sea turtle

Finally, we rode a ferry out to Stingray City Sandbar.

Yay!

We were told we would anchor in waist-deep water and be able to wade out for an encounter with stingrays. But for some reason I never understood, our captain was unable to get the ferry up as close to the sandbar as he was supposed to. So the only way I was going to be able to have this adventure was to swim for it.

Where our boat was SUPPOSED to dock

Unfortunately, I DON'T SWIM - although, theoretically, I know HOW to swim. I took swimming lessons as a child, but I am hydrophobic. So I took a water phobia class as an adult. My instructor taught me how to tread water, and I did just fine as long as I knew I could put my feet on the ground when I was finished. But when I get in water over my head, I panic. Then I sink. This is not logical. I have always had the notion that if I had regular access to a pool or a lake, I would be able to overcome this fear. But I have never had that luxury.

So there I was, on a ferry in Grand Cayman, terribly sad that I was going to miss this opportunity. But Nathan saved the day. He encouraged me to put on a life vest and go for it. He assured me that the safety apparel would keep me afloat. He promised he would help me if I needed it. Another gentleman, who had no intention of getting in the water himself, encouraged me. He even offered to push me off the boat. (I told him I would prosecute him if he did.)

In the end, I chose to trust Nathan. I climbed down the ladder into the water; Nathan grabbed my hand and helped me "swim" all the way out to the sandbar. I was exhausted by the time we got there, but I had the time of my life. I actually got to pet a stingray; I saw several up close and personal, and almost stepped on a couple. Nathan even wore a stingray like a blanket. I was wishing I owned an underwater camera, so I could take a picture of that. But the images are forever engraved in my memory.

* * *

Our final port was Belize. We rode a tender from the ship to Belize City, where we met our tour bus into the rain forest. Our tour guide was named Elvis Usher (really!) and he talked us through the one and a half hour bus ride, filling us in on Belize facts, history and culture. I have never met anyone so proud of his country as Elvis was of Belize.

Elvis Usher

We made one brief stop for water, and nine miles off the main highway, at the end of a very bumpy road, we arrived at our destination, the "Lost World Canopy Tour."

Not only am I afraid of water; I am afraid of heights. But I was determined to have this experience. So Nathan and I were outfitted with harnesses and helmets, given some brief instructions, and led up a steep pathway. Then the fun began.

There were five traverses and two rappels. The traverses were absolutely thrilling.

I thought I would scream but I didn't. I was filled with wonder.

On the other hand, the rappels were terrifying.

I had to close my eyes.

But when it was all over, I was so glad I had done it.

Yes, I was proud of myself! And our tour guide was proud of me, too!

* * *

I tackled some serious fears on that cruise ship. Now that I have swum with stingrays and swung through the canopy of a rainforest (and knocked item #61 off my Amazing Life List), I am hungering for further adventure. I think I will tackle item #59 next. I am looking at Skydive Monroe and Skydive Georgia.

Thoughts, anyone?