I am one of the searchers

I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.


We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.


For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves. 


~James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves

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May we all find what we are seeking. And find joy in the journey. Have a wonderful weekend.

Go Braves!

On my last birthday, I vowed to try something new every day for a year and blog about it. I called that blog Between Birthdays, and I did a good job with it for several weeks. But then it started feeling like a tedious chore and it seemed that everything I tried didn't turn out to be great material for writing. However, I am still resolved to try something new as frequently as possible, so I will share my most fun and interesting experiences here every Thursday - in keeping with Thursday's theme, Keeping It Fresh.

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Tonight I went to my very first ever Gwinnett Braves baseball game. The Gwinnett Braves are a minor league team in the International League, the Triple-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves. Games take place at Coolray Field; located just minutes from my house, this beautiful park seats approximately 10,000 and has an old-fashioned feel despite all the modern technology.

I was the special guest of my son and two of his friends.

Aladdin, Thumper and Tigger

We had a wonderful time. Besides being convenient, it was much more affordable than going to a major league game; we got to have the experience of being a part of America's favorite pastime at a fraction of the cost. The crowd was sparse but enthusiastic; the food was tasty. Sure, the night had its disappointments; we never made it on the big screen, we didn't catch any fly balls, and our team lost.

Our conclusion? We must attend another game really, really soon.

Back When We Were Grownups

Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person. Who can resist an opening line such as this? 

I first read Anne Tyler's Back When We Were Grownups ten years ago, and my experience then was very different than my experience now. At age 52, I am almost the same age as the heroine, Rebecca Davitch, and have a much deeper appreciation of her conflicts. Left alone (in her case by the death of her husband) and unsuccessful in finding new love? A doormat to her children and others who depend on her? Forced by circumstances to keep putting one foot in front of the other with little time for either planning or reflection? Boy, can I relate. Over the course of the book, Rebecca reviews the decisions that she made that led her off her original path. Not exactly unhappy with her life, she cannot help but wonder "what if?" and begins to take steps to reinvent herself. Not that anyone notices. But that is beside the point.

Ms. Tyler does a wonderful job of capturing those everyday moments - and accompanying thoughts - that define our existence. At his hundredth birthday party, Poppy (the brother of Rebecca's late father-in-law) says, "Face it. There IS no true life. Your true life is the one you end up with, whatever it may be. You just do the best you can with what you've got."

It's really as simple as that. Recommended!

Optimism

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I have learned more about myself in the past ten weeks than I have in the almost eleven years since my divorce.

(As a matter of fact, if I had stayed married, today would have been my thirtieth wedding anniversary.)

I have had great news; I have had devastating news. I have been high; I have been low. I have been in the darkest of dark places; I have sought easy answers, easy outs.

I am still here.

My kids have struggled through some hard times; we have dealt with it. I have been on some of the worst dates of my entire single life; I have been on the BEST date of my entire single life. I have been treated like a prostitute; I had a man cook dinner for me and hand feed me cheese and crackers during the appetizer course. Just because he wanted to.

Life is full of little surprises. Sometimes they're even nice.

What I see clearly is that it isn't about the 100 things I want in a man. Even though I have reason to believe there might actually might be at least one guy out there who possesses every quality I have been seeking.

It's about ME. It's about finding someone who can accept me just as I am.

Flawed. Intense. Conflicted. Generous. Passionate. Burdened.

Optimistic.

I have seen a glimpse of what is possible and I am forever changed.

One Step Closer

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.
~ William Shakespeare

A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from from a guy I "met" on Plenty Of Fish. I was excited to talk with him because, in addition to sounding like a cool person, he lives just a couple of miles down the road from me - making him, in dating jargon, "GD" (geographically desirable). This was the part of his profile that was especially intriguing.

I'm looking for a sensitive, caring and passionate partner who is into spiritual discovery, unraveling how this universe works, and who can think abstractly. Intelligence, wit and sense of humor are the traits I look for first. If you still have a little rock-chick left in you, all the better. Inquisitive, deep thinkers apply within.

If that doesn't describe me, I don't know what does. Rock-chick and all.

Our first phone chat went well, I thought. I guess he did too, because he followed up with this message on POF.

I really enjoyed our conversation today, very much so...I will admit that I am a little giddy at the prospect. Imagine being this close; cool, huh? I KNOW we will have lots to talk about as you definitely have the intellect I am seeking. But let's live in the now for now. Kay? Kay.

I believe he was trying to be complimentary. So why did this message leave me feeling insulted, like he was my superior and I had passed some kind of test? And why the little caveat at the end? Why bother to ask a question and then answer it for me?

Still, I offered him the appropriate reassurances. And followed his instructions (I'm not making this up) to wait for him to call again.

Because that's what all proper young ladies do, right?

A full seven days later, he rang me again - after he emailed me to get my phone number, which he had somehow misplaced. This time things weren't so pleasant. As a matter of fact, it felt more like an interview than a conversation. He grilled me about my past love interests - he has been divorced for just over a year and on the dating site for just a few weeks, whereas I have been at this for almost eleven years now - and at one point asked me if I thought there was some defect in MYSELF that ultimately led to the demise of those relationships. As a matter of fact, I think the opposite is true; I am easy to get along with and in many instances have stayed in unbearable situations much longer than I should have. But I replied, "Yes, I am a terribly flawed person and I am really looking forward to engaging in a dysfunctional relationship with you and the painful breakup that is sure to follow." He laughed and said he had enjoyed talking with me again and would like to chat with me at least once or twice more before arranging a face to face meeting.

I left those calls unanswered. Because really, what is the point?

* * *

I heard a pop song on the radio several months ago that really spoke to me. The fact that it was a Top 40 hit and the theme song from one of the Twilight movies in no way diminishes its beautiful lyrics.

I have a strong feeling that there is magic just around the bend. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I find it.

Jerk Curry Chicken

Jerk Curry Chicken with Jasmine Rice

We have a new addition to our family favorite recipes; click HERE for a list of ingredients and instructions. I followed the recipe to the letter, except I was unable to find the "Ocho Rios" brand jerk-curry seasoning so I substituted Kroger brand jerk seasoning. 

Jerk chicken, white potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots and onions simmering in a spicy broth.

Served on a bed of jasmine rice with a green salad alongside

Topped with Thousand Island dressing like they do in the Caribbean.

 this was a hearty and satisfying meal. 

I asked Nathan to rate the dish. He gave it 5.6 stars. Out of 5.

Let me know what you think!

Finding Your Voice

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
~ Fanny Brice

I just finished reading Finding Your Voice by Les Edgerton. Not a how-to manual, this text explains how to develop your own individual voice - how to ditch the "writerly" style drilled into us in the classroom and make anything we write, fiction or nonfiction, unmistakably ours.

I have immersed myself in craft books the past few months, with instructions on how to draft plot and create scenes, develop believable characters and write realistic dialogue. While all this information is useful and important, it has also been a bit overwhelming. Finding Your Voice has given me the confidence I need to just dig in and write and BE MYSELF. Not Jane Austen or Ernest Hemingway or even Anne Lamott or David Sedaris. One day, I hope an agent or editor will read my submission and find it to be fresh and unique and want to see my manuscript published. One day, I hope someone will pick up a book with my name on the cover and choose to read it simply because I wrote it.

Because they love MY voice.

This whole notion has been very liberating. Writing a grammatically correct but lifeless five-paragraph essay to please a teacher and earn an "A" is one thing; losing yourself in a relationship in an effort to be the person your partner wants/needs you to be is another. I am guilty of both. I have even struggled with how to "present" myself on this blog. Do I portray myself as a product of higher education, an experienced pianist and instructor? An artist/craftsperson who makes things with her hands and sells them on Etsy? A semi-vegetarian, a runner, a health nut? A homemaker, a mom, a pet owner? A single woman searching for her soulmate, navigating the minefield of online dating and getting her heart broken occasionally in the process?

The truth is I am ALL of those things. Until recently, I kept certain aspects of myself hidden so as not to offend anyone. But several weeks ago I made the decision to pull off the mask, to tear down the walls, to BE MYSELF, and the response has been gratifying. I did receive one nasty comment in response to my blog post about "Larry" the married guy, which I deleted because it was (1) published anonymously and (2) written so poorly it was almost impossible to respond to.

You can't please all the people all the time, right? I actually raised somebody's shackles. So maybe I am doing something right.

Whether as a writer or as a human being, I have been an overly edited version of myself for far too long. From this moment forward, I am honest, I am authentic, I am ME.

I am free falling. I am walking the plank.

It's a risk I am ready to take.