Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why do I do the things I do?

For the record, I don't have time for hobbies. I am a single parent, for goodness' sake. My responsibilities include cooking and cleaning and parenting two sons and periodically taking out the dog while home schooling one of the boys and teaching 50 piano students every week. I also have a grown-up child who often requires a great deal of emotional support and a semi-active "love life." The truth is, I don't have time for sleep, let alone for making things things out of yarn and beads and ribbons and whatever. But I NEED to make things. I see a small miracle taking place every time I start with nothing and end with something that is beautiful. I need the gentle routine of "knit 2, purl 2" to quiet my head and give it time to sift through all the gunk that fills it and attempt to make sense of things that make no sense. I need to play with textures and colors and lines and spaces and I know that even if I end up with a mess, I can go back and fix it-and in what other area of my life can I so easily do that? And I need the camaraderie of the kind, helpful ladies at Yarn Garden Knit Shop in Lawrenceville and On the Rocks in Dacula and my sweet sweet sister-in-law, SeDonna, so that I will know I am not alone in a difficult, crazy world.

Another reason I need to make things is so that I can give them away. When I give someone something I have made, I feel like I am giving him a little part of myself. When I am making something for someone, I think about him and who he is and what he means to me. I imagine his surprise and happiness (however exaggerated) upon receiving whatever the gift may be. I have a feeling I am not unique in this. I am already thinking about who is getting what for Christmas this year.

I lost my brother Greg in April. He died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 44 from a heart attack. I love him and miss him so much. Since he has been gone, everything in the universe has gone into soft focus and become crystal clear all at the same time. So, finally, I need to make things because it lessens the pain.

As I said, I don't have time for hobbies. But I will do them anyway.

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