I spent most of today in the closet.
Here are the before pictures.
I am the luckiest girl in the world, right? I have so many clothes!
It's an illusion. I mean, yes, I have a lot of clothes. But, sadly, most of them don't fit.
This is what my closet looks like now.
I really did it. I got rid of everything that doesn't fit and make me feel great. I have four large bags of clothes in my car ready to go to Goodwill and about the same quantity of items hanging in an empty closet downstairs. I am giving myself six months. At the end of that time period, whatever is in the downstairs closet that STILL doesn't fit and make me feel great is also out the door. And then I will start rebuilding my wardrobe.
My fifteen year old said today was like watching an episode of What Not To Wear, except I didn't get a $5000 VISA gift card to spend on new clothes when I was finished.
This was one of the most depressing things I have done in a long while. And I haven't even sorted through the drawers in those plastic bins you see, nor those in my chest of drawers. There is only so much pain a person can take in one day.
Yes. I cried real tears.
My weight has fluctuated wildly through the years; at my heaviest, in my junior year of high school, I tipped the scales at nearly 160 pounds. Since then, the number has gone up and down for various reasons, including pregnancy, but post-divorce it stabilized at 105, which I really felt was an ideal weight for me. I wore a size 0 for several years and felt really great about my body.
But then menopause hit and my body betrayed me. I am 5'2"; five pounds is a dress size. Which explains why so little in my closet fits me any more.
Not even close.
The irony is that my weight is within the "normal" range on the BMI charts. No one would look at me and accuse me of being overweight. I have an under active thyroid but I take medication to treat it; my doctor says that my weight is fine from a medical standpoint, and he doesn't recommend that I exercise more than I already do (35-45 minutes a day on the elliptical).
Which means that, to a large extent, this problem is in my head. Or is it in somebody else's head? Like the guy who rejected me when I weighed 105 pounds and decided I wasn't as "slim and slender" as he originally thought? Because even when I got down to 95 pounds in an effort to please him - rendering me clinically underweight - I still had curves. Yet at that point in our relationship he still felt compelled to tell me about the woman he had dated before me who had the kind of body he really craved.
One with thin thighs.
It kind of makes me sick to think about it.
Honestly? The self-assured, grown-up part of me wants to accept this healthy, middle aged body as it is, scrape together some money, and buy clothes that fit.
But the overweight teenager that still lives deep inside me is determined to get back into those cute little Victoria's Secret jeans and elegant Talbots dresses hanging in the closet downstairs.
Toward that end, I have downloaded an app for my iPhone called Lose It! (also available online - click HERE) which requires me to track every bite of food I eat and every calorie I burn up through exercise. Provided I am able to stay with the program, I will reach my weight loss goal on November 3, 2011. And it it's not going to be easy; 1151 calories a day isn't very many. But right this minute I am feeling pretty motivated. So wish me luck.
I am looking forward to trying Denise's coffee drink (click HERE) tomorrow. I bought the necessary ingredients this evening. Karma thinks it all looks pretty good, too.
Do you struggle with body issues? Do you have any tips/recipes to share?