Saturday, July 9, 2011

Letting Go

The Freedom Giveaway Blog Hop is over, and what a wild ride it was! Thanks to all my new followers and friends. The winners of my $10 Amazon gift cards are latishajean and Jean M. Congratulations to both of you! Your gift certificates are on their way!


On a happy day with him, December 2010.
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
~Maureen Dowd

As usual, it was complicated; he lives three hours away and has deep roots. But in light of my situation - single mom with three kids, self-employed, job dependent on my geographic location - he said he was willing to relocate; soon after I met him - last August - he even talked about "wintering over" with me. Then push came to shove; winter came and went. Not only that, he was never available when it really mattered: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, Fourth of July. At first, I put my life on hold to be available when it was convenient for him. But enough is enough.

It takes a couple of seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye.

I hadn't seen him since April, but I agreed to meet him for lunch last week while he was in town, dropping off friends at the Atlanta airport. I want you back in my life, he said. What can I do to make that happen? he wanted to know.

He suggested a weekend away. There's never a problem when we're together, he pointed out. We discussed options for several days. Gatlinburg? Savannah? Tybee Island? We finally agreed on Myrtle Beach. I have never been there before. And I was just about ready to start packing.

But then he didn't want to make a room reservation. You can get a better deal if you just walk in than you can if you book online, he explained. We'll find a cheap room with a kitchenette. And then he asked me if I had a beach umbrella. I don't, I apologized. But you can rent beach umbrellas, right? 

And it struck me like a bolt of lightning: if I really wanted somebody back in my life, and I hadn't spent time with him in three or four months, I would be willing to spring for the online reservation and the beach umbrella. I would book a room in a fabulous place, find the best seafood restaurants, research the local attractions.

I would make MAGIC.

And please don't misunderstand me. Because this isn't about money. It's about ATTITUDE.

I. Deserve. Magic.

He wanted to drive down Thursday night or Friday morning; Wednesday night, the decision weighed heavily on me, and I was wide awake. I called him about 4:30 Thursday morning, in tears - because I could not sleep, and because I was afraid if I went to the beach with him, it would just give him the opportunity to break my heart all over again.

Get some rest, he said. I will call you at 10 tomorrow morning for your answer.

If he had called me at 10 - had just made good on that one promise - I would have said yes. But I didn't hear from him until 11:30, and by then, my work day had started. He tried once more, a couple of hours later, and I didn't hear from him again until 2:00 this afternoon. Are you ready to go, he asked? 

By then, I was over it. I spent the day engaged in all my routine activities, the evening with my friend Natalie; she scrapbooked and I beaded. Now it's time to take a deep breath and get on with the rest of my life.


Sometimes I wonder if I am going to be single forever.

What I know for sure is I have blog posts to write, books to review, a novel to finish, jewelry to make, piano students to nurture. So I'm going to focus on all that. I will admit that I would love it if Mr. Right would come and sweep me off my feet. But I'm not gonna hold my breath.

When I'm trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously.

I sure hope so.


AllMyPosts said...

Everyone deserves Mr/Ms Right for sure!!

Our better half is supposed to make magic!! Yeah!! I think, you must better move on!! (sorry for intruding / coming to conclusions)!!

Just think about it!! And let me .. go and checkout your poems in mean time!! congrats to the winners!!

with warm regards
Another Author

Megan said...

You are brilliant, Pam. First of all, this post is beautifully written (as usual, but still). More importantly, you made that perfect connection in your mind that so many of us may not have... that if he really deserved you, he would have proved it. And it's clear he didn't. You deserve the magic, Pam. Nothing less. :)

jazzyjinx said...

I too have come to the conclusion that I will probably be single forever. I am not so disappointed though. I don't have to cook and clean for someone else. I don't have to answer to them. I don't have to deal with jelousy. I can sleep when I want, write when I want, curl up with a good book or take a hot bath without someone demanding my attention. My schedule is my own and I can go to the midnight showing of a good movie if I want. Getting used to the "by-my-self" part has been the hardest but I'm not longer willing to give up my independence for codependence any more. God gave Eve to Adam as a gift. Women should be treated as such. When did men start thinking they were God's gift to women? Until a man appreciates me, I won't settle. But hey, I've never been married. There's probably a reason for that. Wish you better luck. ;)

Sarah said...

Yep, You deserve Magic. We all do, and if he meant it, properly meant it, then he'd make it happen, somehow.

Someone better will be just around the corner.

(Sorry, signed in on the wrong ID - that other one is dead...)

Alicia McCalla said...

Pam, you did the right thing. What a creep! Sorry you had to endure that. You'll find the right guy. Someone who will give you everything you need. Trust me. Remember, though, the guy in your life should treat you better than you'd treat yourself. Don't settle. It's just not worth it.

Marilyn Puett said...

As a relatively new divorcee who was married for 37 years, I can totally appreciate this. I'd like to have magic in my life. Notice I never said "again" because in retrospect I realize it was never there before. I'm not ready to date yet; actually the thought makes me ill. But maybe someday.

Love the quotes.


Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Abhishek! I'm afraid my epitaph is going to be "Still waiting for Mr. Right" - LOL!

Pam Asberry said...

It's funny, Megan; he would ask me what I wanted, and I would tell him, and then he wouldn't deliver. It was almost like he screwed up on purpose. :-/ But I'm not going to waste another minute trying to figure it out. My post is "beautifully written"? You just made my day. :-)

Pam Asberry said...

Hey Shawna. I was married for 19 years, have been single for 10, so obviously I'm not in a hurry. And I love that line "I'm not willing to give up my independence for codependence any more." Sounds like a book title to me. Let's get together SOON, okay?

Pam Asberry said...

Sarah, you are absolutely right. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, no? Intention has to be followed up with action. Someone better is just around the corner? I'll be taking it slow around that corner... ;-)

Pam Asberry said...

Alicia, I know I tend to treat my significant others better than they treat me. That has to change on SO many levels. Thank you for your encouragement!

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, Marilyn; 37 years is a long time to be unhappy. You are wise to give yourself time; you will know when you are ready. Here's hoping there are better days ahead for both of us! (((hugs)))

pat said...

Pam, I love the quote by Anonymous at the end. I truly believe it and I think it sums up what happens when we are "in the flow." You wrote a blog awhile back about being in the flow and what a wonderful feeling that was. I think there is something about immersing ourselves in what matters to us. Somehow the energy of what is attracted to us changes. I think twice in the past 10 years, things that seemed miraculous happened to me. And actually, they were beyond miraculous because I had never even IMAGINED them. They were at times when I just stopped struggling and pushing for the right things to occur. You are much too kind of a person to keep having this heartbreak, but as you have also written, what you want and don't want become clearer. You are as strong as you have ever been (or for the years I have known you anyway) and I am convinced that the right guy is going to show up while you are immersed doing the things that nourish you right now. KInda like those couples who get discouraged and quit trying to get pregnant and suddenly they are having twins.
Side comment: I love the way you narrated this with the bit of dialog between the two of you. I can't wait to read your book!

pat said...

OH and one more thing....Thank you so much for your compliment on my photos. It is amazing what happens when you sit perfectly still. :)

Julee J. Adams said...

A tip of the glass to you as well. Honey, I am so sorry you had to endure another poor attempt by this unworthy jerk/predator on your once low self esteem. You know I'll tell you what I think and I think it was weak attempt at a booty call. You deserve a billion times better. And you were absolutely right to recognize it for what it was.
I know exactly how you felt, apologizing for not having the beach umbrella. And I know it's not the money--my husband was making much less than me when we married, but it was the thoughtfulness and consideration that made up for it. Not the "are you ready?" after you'd expressed legitimate concerns. If he didn't have money, he could have at least showed up with a bouquet of daisies and sincere reassurances and a semblence of a flipping plan since that was what you told him you wanted.
Now, you know to put that into your fiction, after sharing with us a beautifully written essay. I'm betting you could expand this a little and market it. Get some good and $$$s out of your Learning Experience. What do you say? The right one will come along, I know it. Love ya! Call if you ever need to.

Tami Brothers said...

Hey Pam! So very sorry about this experience. It's hard for me to imagine. But I really do think you did the right thing. After not seeing you for so long, it should have been magic. AND if things were going this way now, imagine how it would have been one, two and even many more years down the road. Not a pleasant thought.

I hate that you stress about being single. Because I'm not, I can't really recommend anything. But I do have a sister who has been in and out of relationships because she didn't like being single either. Unlike you, she settled every time. She bought into the mediocre promises and dreams and each time they blew up in her face one way or the other. I hurt for her every time. But because I haven't been in that position, she doesn't listen when I tell her she's better than what these guys are making her out to be.

I think the same thing goes for you. Mr. Right is out there. Somewhere. Now is just not the time for him to show up.

One good thing that MIGHT come from all this (I know, kind of reaching) is that maybe your boys will see the pain you go through and what not to do or how not to treat a woman. Maybe this is your gift to their future girlfriends and wives.

Okay, enough philosophizing. I know you will get through this with flying colors. And just maybe you will be able to capitalize on the experience in one of your future stories.



Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Pat. I am living; I am learning. But I don't sit still very often. Just ten minutes every morning. ;-)

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you for your insights, Julee. I will definitely be writing some of this into my fiction. And I will consider what you said about expanding this and possibly submitting it as an article somewhere. There is no doubt I have more ability as a nonfiction writer. But I am determined to be a novelist anyway! :-)

Pam Asberry said...

Tami, you may not be single, but you sure have a lot of wisdom on the subject! And I'm really not so different from your sister; I have been in and out of more relationships than I care to count since my divorce, and in each of them I have settled, at least for a period of time. But you are absolutely right; the beginning of the relationship is the "honeymoon," and when things start going south so early on, it can't bode well for the future. I hope you are right, too, about the possibility of my sons learning positive lessons from all this, although I worry that they haven't had any positive male role models in their lives (except my brother and my dad) and that what they are taking away from all this is that it is all but impossible to have a satisfying long-term relationship. Time will tell. Thanks for your comments!

B Snow said...

+1000. All romance writers should study this post in order to learn how to create realistic, smart, likeable heroines.

That it's a true story just makes you more amazing. :)

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, B. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that just now. Maybe there really IS hope for me as a writer. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Really.

Anonymous said...

Did he ever call???

S.M. Carrière said...

You DO deserve magic!

It'll happen. I'm sure it will.

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you, S.M. I hope you're right!

Anonymous said...

I guess I meant, did you work things out with him? Or did you get closure?

Pam Asberry said...

Anonymous, there was nothing to "work out." It is over. We part friends; we will keep in touch. Onward.

Carol Burnside aka Annie Rayburn said...

Pam, you said 'we part friends', but real friends don't treat each other that way. They find the time--no, they MAKE time--for the things that matter.

The others are spot on. You deserve better and this is beautifully written. Forget the article, turn it into a fiction story! There's great inner conflict. Try writing it in 3rd person and see what happens.

Pam Asberry said...

Carol, you are absolutely right. This man is not my friend. Never was, never will be. Onward. And maybe this DOES have potential as a short story. I will see what I can do with it. Thank you for the suggestion.