|On a happy day with him, December 2010.|
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
As usual, it was complicated; he lives three hours away and has deep roots. But in light of my situation - single mom with three kids, self-employed, job dependent on my geographic location - he said he was willing to relocate; soon after I met him - last August - he even talked about "wintering over" with me. Then push came to shove; winter came and went. Not only that, he was never available when it really mattered: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, Fourth of July. At first, I put my life on hold to be available when it was convenient for him. But enough is enough.
It takes a couple of seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye.
I hadn't seen him since April, but I agreed to meet him for lunch last week while he was in town, dropping off friends at the Atlanta airport. I want you back in my life, he said. What can I do to make that happen? he wanted to know.
He suggested a weekend away. There's never a problem when we're together, he pointed out. We discussed options for several days. Gatlinburg? Savannah? Tybee Island? We finally agreed on Myrtle Beach. I have never been there before. And I was just about ready to start packing.
But then he didn't want to make a room reservation. You can get a better deal if you just walk in than you can if you book online, he explained. We'll find a cheap room with a kitchenette. And then he asked me if I had a beach umbrella. I don't, I apologized. But you can rent beach umbrellas, right?
And it struck me like a bolt of lightning: if I really wanted somebody back in my life, and I hadn't spent time with him in three or four months, I would be willing to spring for the online reservation and the beach umbrella. I would book a room in a fabulous place, find the best seafood restaurants, research the local attractions.
I would make MAGIC.
And please don't misunderstand me. Because this isn't about money. It's about ATTITUDE.
I. Deserve. Magic.
He wanted to drive down Thursday night or Friday morning; Wednesday night, the decision weighed heavily on me, and I was wide awake. I called him about 4:30 Thursday morning, in tears - because I could not sleep, and because I was afraid if I went to the beach with him, it would just give him the opportunity to break my heart all over again.
Get some rest, he said. I will call you at 10 tomorrow morning for your answer.
If he had called me at 10 - had just made good on that one promise - I would have said yes. But I didn't hear from him until 11:30, and by then, my work day had started. He tried once more, a couple of hours later, and I didn't hear from him again until 2:00 this afternoon. Are you ready to go, he asked?
By then, I was over it. I spent the day engaged in all my routine activities, the evening with my friend Natalie; she scrapbooked and I beaded. Now it's time to take a deep breath and get on with the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I am going to be single forever.
What I know for sure is I have blog posts to write, books to review, a novel to finish, jewelry to make, piano students to nurture. So I'm going to focus on all that. I will admit that I would love it if Mr. Right would come and sweep me off my feet. But I'm not gonna hold my breath.
When I'm trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously.
I sure hope so.