Sunday, September 25, 2011

This one goes out to the one I loved.

A dark cloud has been following me for weeks and yesterday the rain fell in torrents. I woke up with a headache - allergies, I guess; I couldn't face my to-do list, so I spent the day alternately napping and sorting through boxes and boxes of memorabilia and old photos. Probably not the best choice, I realize now, to confront the past in such an intimate way on a day when I felt sick and tired; better to tackle a chore like that from a position of health and strength.  Anyway, saturated after only a couple of hours, I picked up my knitting, turned on my TiVo, and selected my favorite junk food movie, The Holiday.

I seldom watch a film more than once, but I have seen this one literally dozens of times. It's definitely a chick flick, but guys will sit through it with me - once - on account of Cameron Diaz, although I identify more closely with her co-star, Kate Winslet. The story of two women - one English and one American - who exchange homes for Christmas, it always satisfies - at least temporarily - my unfulfilled longing for a deep and satisfying romantic relationship. Yes, it's corny. But like Kate Winslet's character, Iris says in the movie, "I'm looking for corny in my life."

Yesterday, as I watched Iris's pivotal scene, I had an epiphany. Here is the scene.
You don't have to watch the entire clip. Start at 6:25 and go to the end.

In case you skipped the video, I will repeat her words. She is speaking to an ex-lover she can't quite seem to get over, who just claimed he wants to keep her in his life even though he is engaged to marry someone else. 

"You have never treated me right, ever. You broke my heart and you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding. I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you so I just punished myself, for years...It's over. THIS TWISTED, TOXIC THING BETWEEN US IS FINALLY FINISHED. I'M MIRACULOUSLY DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I HAVE A LIFE TO START LIVING. AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE IN IT."

Those words hit me right between the eyes. Maybe we can't choose whom we fall in love with, but we CAN choose whether or not to continue loving that person. Similarly, we can't choose who loves us in return; if a heart is unwilling, it cannot be forced open. These are laws, like gravity. To resist is useless. One might as well jump out of a plane without a parachute.

Finally, I am ready to cut my losses. It happened just that fast. I let go. I'm free falling. Trusting my chute to open. So I can get back to the business of living my life. 

20 comments:

Kathy said...

This is good. After I broke off my engagement back in April, I have felt like the character in that clip...YES! Arms up! Freedom. I won't say I am never getting in a relationship again, because there is always that little bit of sap in me. Right now, however, the thought of being in a relationship gives me a feeling of claustrophobia.

Anonymous said...

I thought you already did this? I know it's easier said than done especially when your heart is involved.

Pam Asberry said...

I've still got a LOT of sap in me, Kathy. That's part of the problem. ;-)

Pam Asberry said...

You caught me red-handed, Anonymous. Sometimes it's hard to let go...

Julee J. Adams said...

Thank you for coming to a place you needed to be. Perhaps it is best to get the wallowing out of the way when you're having a craptastic day, get it all out of your system at once?

You can be proud of your decision and your strength. When you are where you need to be, I'm convinced the right one will come along. And if the goob(s) who broke your heart come sniffing around you again, tell them to get lost. Trust me. It's for the best. You can go forward from here with a healing heart.

Tami Brothers said...

You are doing great, Pam. It sucks, but stuff like this makes us that much stronger.

LOVE the Holiday. One of my favorites. I think I'll grab that one for this coming weekend.

Hugs!

Tami

KendallGrey said...

Yay for moving on! Sometimes it takes a random event - a movie in your case - to show us the stuff we've been LIVING for so long, but just didn't recognize. I love epiphanies like this.

See you on Friday at M&M!

Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Julee. I didn't realize how shackled I was, how much my thoughts were consumed by this impossible situation. I feel ten pounds lighter. Heck, now that I am free from the unnecessary stress, maybe I'll actually be able to LOSE that extra ten pounds I have been carrying around. ;-)

Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Tami. It's funny; I don't think I have ever actually watched that movie over the holidays. Wonder if that means anything? Enjoy!

Pam Asberry said...

You're the best, Kendall. Can't wait to see you! :-)

S.M. Carrière said...

Letting go is so very hard. We're all here beside you. Don't worry if you fall down - your friends will pick you up again.

Anonymous said...

I hope it wasn't the guy with all the kids you were trying to get over.

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you, S.M. I am counting on it!

Pam Asberry said...

No, Anonymous. I haven't spoken to him in over a year.

Anonymous said...

Great movie. Good blog :) :)

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you, Anonymous. :-)

Kathryn at Good Life Road said...

Such a great way of explaining it Pam. Not only can we not force it, we are far better off not trying. I am so glad you let go. That tight fist holding on only makes it so you can't get your hand out of the jar, so that you might hold something else.

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, that's a great metaphor, Kathryn. I'm going to hold on to that one. Thank you so much.

Carol Burnside aka Annie Rayburn said...

Love, love, love The Holiday, especially this scene where she breaks free. Such a Eureka, fist-pump moment! LOL

You go, Pam! I'm glad you unfurled your fist so you can grab for something better.

Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Carol! :-)