Thursday, November 10, 2011

Is It Me?



*WARNING*
This blog post is for mature audiences only.



Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
~"Monica Geller" (on Friends)

I caught only a few episodes of Friends but boy, oh boy, can I relate to that quote.

I haven't talked much about my love life lately. Honestly? There hasn't been much to talk about. For the most part, I have been teaching piano and making music of various kinds and reading and writing and blogging and keeping the home fires burning. I refuse to go back online to meet men; I went on a couple of dates with a friend of a friend but felt no real connection, and judging by the fact that he hasn't called me since our second rendezvous, he had the same experience.

I am generally okay with this. Yes, I still dream of meeting Mr. Right and living happily ever after. I will even admit to moments of downright despair. But I'm not holding my breath waiting for anything or anyone. And I have stopped asking myself what is wrong with me. There is NOTHING wrong with me. I have a rich and rewarding life, filled with creative work and caring friends and close family ties.

Take this morning, for example. I woke up early, went to my primary care physician for some routine blood work, came home and had some breakfast, then settled in at my laptop to work on my novel. As a result of being out of town three days for the GMTA Conference and under the weather on Monday, I am several thousand words behind on my NaNoWriMo project. But by 10:00, I was in the zone. Despite my best-laid plans, my characters have taken on lives of their own; I am compelled to keep writing so I can find out what happens next.

I typed furiously for an hour, then made the mistake of taking a break to check email. And there it was: a message from the one I loved. It was just a few words and an audio clip.

Of him having sex with another woman.

Maybe he just wanted to get me on the phone. If that was the case, it worked. Once I stopped shaking - and sobbing - I called him. His explanation?  He hoped it would make me jealous so I would take him back.

Guess again.

And do you remember me mentioning the guy who left me at a club, leaving me to walk several miles home in the middle of the night? He has crawled back out from beneath the rock he has been hiding under, calling me and texting me several times a day, convinced that we are meant to be together, begging me to give him one more chance to prove his devotion to me. Won't I just go out to dinner with him on Friday night?

I will never be that hungry.

There was a time in my life when all this would have made me crazy. But I'm not the crazy one; THEY are. They are balloons full of hot air; today, I opened up my hands and let them go, without even bothering to watch them fade into oblivion.

Because I said goodbye a long time ago.

26 comments:

R.R. said...

If only they were real balloons, you could have written ugly names on them first with a black magic marker, to represent the persons you were releasing - but I think your way worked just as well - haha!!! RR

Julee J. Adams said...

Oh, Pam--these are toxic, idiotic men who do not deserve the time of day from you or anyone else.

I am so very glad you visualized letting them go, but I would have gotten a BB gun and tried to shoot those baloons out of the sky.

But neither of them is worth the time and energy of another neuron firing. It is obviously not just you, because they have foisted their negative energies onto other hapless women. Just make sure you don't allow them to do it again to you. Remember, fool me once---

He's out there. I know he is. Work on getting Pam happy, then he'll show up to appreciate you.

Michele Stefanides said...

I love your line "I wil never be that hungry." Good for you! These men will never nourish you in any way--body, mind, or soul. Hold out for the one who will; he will get the prize of his life--you!

S.M. Carrière said...

Oh my [expletive bleeped] GAWD!

Julee is right, they are idiotic, toxic, miserable excuses for vertebrates! Holy crap!

You deserve so much better, and there's someone out there who is.

Good on you for letting them go so gracefully.

I might have taken a baseball bat to their cars...

Or their legs!

SAIDFRAZ said...

ok, this one left me speechless. Maybe you could introduce the two idiots to each other, convince them they're gay and are meant for each other. You deserve so much better than this. I just know Mr Right is out there, he's gonna show up when you least expect it. Hope it's soon!

Pam Asberry said...

That's how I will visualize it in my mind from now on, R.R. Thanks for the suggestion! :-)

Pam Asberry said...

"Neither of them is worth the time and energy of another neuron firing." That is what I keep reminding myself, Julee. They have used up all their chances. I gave them too many already.

Pam Asberry said...

I hope you're right, Michele. If not, well, things really aren't so bad the way they are! :-)

Pam Asberry said...

A baseball bat to a vehicle or an extremity - now why didn't I think of that, S.M.? Next time... ;-)

Pam Asberry said...

That's a brilliant scenario, Sherri. Maybe I'll use that in my novel, LOL! :-)

Ryan King said...

*blink* I don't think "omg" covers that. I'm sorry Pam :( I know that sometimes we guys suck or don't plain think things through but that one? Wow. That guy just earned a Darwin award.

pat said...

My first thought was "You have got to be kidding me." &%#@ #%$*%*. Even though this is for mature audiences, I couldn't begin to write the words I was thinking. Then, since I was still in denial that such a thing could possibly happen, my second thought was: "Pam, please tell me you invented this story to add more drama to your blog." After reading it the third time: It settled in to my brain. Guy #1 is dispicable, twisted and disturbed. But I'd already decided that. Sorry. Again.
Guy #2: Because he left you walking down the road at night, he has no conscience. AND for him to want you- and pretend the whole thing never happened, he's has to be a crackhead. Don't waste one more single breath on these jackasses. All we want is for you to be happy. There. I got it out of my system. NO surprise to you.

Pam Asberry said...

I thought I had seen it all, Ryan, but this guy really did stoop to a new low, didn't he? Thanks for your comment!

Pam Asberry said...

You've heard the saying "Truth is stranger than fiction," Pat? I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Sigh.

Buffy said...

Oh Pam.

Sometime I'll need to tell you my "crazy cad" story. Life is a tricky maze to navigate.

Love to you.

Pam Asberry said...

Oh yeah, Buffy, I definitely want to hear your "crazy cad" story. You can tell me over a margarita when I come and visit you in Denver. :-)

Anonymous said...

There are so many things I like to say but then, this is your blog... not mine. I agree with so many of your followers. You are worth so much more than they could ever think. I will always treasure your friendship and remember the fun times we had even if you didn't fall in love with me. Still, I think so highly of you that it angers me that others would treat you in such a way. This goes to the depth of who they are. Lost souls living singularly in an empty existence looking for the next thrill that they hope will fill the vast void in their lives. This is not who you are. I know your search. I know your longing. I wish for you to be fulfilled and complete. You are a gifted, intelligent, beautiful woman full of life and ability willing and able to share that with the right person. Never forget that. And never settle for less than what you know you deserve. One more thing. Know that you deserve the love you are looking for. I know it. You should too.

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, Anonymous. You have me in tears here. Thank you for your kind words. I will hold onto them.

pat said...

Yes, you have to really WATCH OUT for those truth or fiction stories.

Pam Asberry said...

I'm afraid I can't even use them in my fiction writing, Pat. They seem too far-fetched! ;-)

Denise said...

They are resistance and they are being thrown at you in an effort to distract you from writing that novel you are currently writing. Think about it? You are on this roll with this goal writing amazing things and they both just show up, at the same time? Coincidence? I think not.

They are also scum of the earth.

I know I said that your responding to people is what allows you to have some of your more interesting adventures, but I think you need to draw the line with these two. There is no reason for you to ever answer a call, read a text, open an email, or tolerate a comment from either of them, ever. Seriously, draw the line and defend it with your silence, your indifference, and your refusal to acknowledge that they even exist.

And please don't let anything pull you from your writing. The world needs your book.

And what anonymous said: print out a 100 copies and post it everywhere: your bathroom mirror, you kitchen cabinets, your steering wheel and read it until you believe.

Love you bunches...can't wait to read your kick ass book.

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, Denise; I hadn't thought about it like that before. But I think you might be right. Maybe this IS the evil ogre Resistance, pure and simple. Regardless, I agree wholeheartedly that it is past time to eradicate these men completely from my life. I have instructed them not to contact me, blocked them on social networks, removed their info from my phone, and intend to ignore any and all communication they might attempt to initiate. Now I am going to spend every waking moment that I'm not eating, sleeping, teaching, or taking care of my kids working on my book. I will make it the best book I am capable of writing. And I will follow your advice and print Anonymous's comment and carry it with me everywhere. I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful supporters out there in the blogosphere, AND face to face. Let's get together for lunch SOON.

Tami Brothers said...

I said it before and I'll say it again. I'll bring the shovel...

I agree with everyone above, you deserve more and I honestly believe it will come your way.

Until then, we've all got your back. :)

Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Tami. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, but I certainly hope you are right. And I am grateful that you have that shovel in your hands...

Carol Burnside aka Annie Rayburn said...

Wow. These guy's behavior boggles my mind, Pam. Thank God I found my guy because I always had a knack for attracting the oddballs and crazies. After only a couple dates, I had a guy follow me home from college for Thanksgiving one year. Actually showed up a day after me in his beat-up old love-bug van because--as he explained to my astonished sister--I had baby-making hips! Wha----??

Keep your heart open to the right kind of love and your eyes open to the telltale signs of crazy and you'll be better off. Obviously, you have enough experience with the crazies to recognize them now.

Hugs, girlfriend. Just remember, there's someone wonderful out there for you who probably has crazy girlfriends traipsing around in his life too.

Pam Asberry said...

Wow, Carol. What a creep! My learning curve is definitely improving where the crazies are concerned. As for whether or not there is someone wonderful out there waiting for me, well, I'm not holding my breath. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. ;-)