Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Something had to give...


It's hard to explain, but something inside me has changed since I returned from my cruise vacation. For the first time since I broke my engagement two years ago, I truly feel like myself again.

I have always maintained that it takes a minimum of two years to recover from the end of a serious relationship, and I have experienced nothing but heartbreak every time I break my self-imposed "two-year rule." So as far as I am concerned, everything that has happened since said broken engagement has been rebound relationships.

Onward.

And while I'm at it, I am breaking loose from a couple of other ties that have been binding me: Between Birthdays and Writers Li.P.P. There is little to explain, except when something you have created no longer serves you, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let it go.

At the same time, though, I find myself approaching the New Year with a curious pessimism. While it has been arguably the best December on record so far, filled with lunches and dinners and parties with girlfriends and writer friends and family, all that is behind me now and I am left with long days of soul searching ahead. About my shortcomings as a parent. About my future as a writer. About whether or not I dare to even dream about a romantic relationship with a guy. About the twelve days of Christmas and whether or not I am going to waste another minute of my life making New Year's resolutions that don't get kept.

Because I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm healthy and I have big dreams. I'm still hopeful that I'll find a man who can appreciate me and keep up with me; maybe I won't. Regardless, I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to keep seeking my path as a writer and enjoy every precious moment spent with friends and family members. I have much to be thankful for, including each of you who stands by my side every day.

Maybe tomorrow I'll find the strength to put the lights on the Christmas tree.

14 comments:

Kathy said...

Oh, Pam. A failure you are definitely not. There are many of us who find you an amazing woman. Down times are normal. My guess is they are sometimes necessary to help reevaluate our lives. I am glad you are letting a few things go. I understand the difficulty with that, but I have often wondered how you do all of what you do.

Get a lot of rest, Sweet Lady! Don't strive so hard. Find one or two areas to focus and let the rest go. Just continue to be you. You are a blessing whether you are running around doing a million things or just relaxing with a good book. YOU are the blessing, not what you do or don't do.

Love you bunches, Pam!

Michele Stefanides said...

Letting go of what's not working can be a tremendous relief. There can be peace behind the surrender, and renewed emotional energy for what remains. Be kind to yourself. You have so much to offer to others, and to yourself, also.

S.M. Carrière said...

Pam, you are by far one of the most inspiring people I know. You are kind and generous and so very strong. You've been there cheering for me when I've been ready to throw in the towel.

You are most certainly NOT a failure.

You are on your path. All you have to do is keep walking it, keep true to your dreams, and things will start going your way.

There's evidence that it's happening already. You're stronger than you were. You have a better sense of self-worth. You aren't settling for less any more.

It's not always going to be a walk in the park. Sometimes it's hard, and lonely, and utterly depressing. Whenever it gets that way, just pick up the phone and call any of the numerous people who love you.

Be gentle on yourself. You are amazing.

pat said...

DITTO

Raining Roses said...

Even in your own penumbra, you inspire. What remarkable good sense to know when too much is more than enough. Your honesty continues to inspire.
:)

pat said...

Hey Pam, I would like to point out something that you didn't mention. You took on the "Beads to Beat Autism" project which was a hugh commitment of time, coordination, and emotional energy. Just the act of creating 300 bead bracelets would make anyone proud! But then you were required to turn around and SELL all 300 hundred bracelets! AND if that still wasn't enough, to do it with a DEADLINE for finishing the project? PLEASE!! I'd be having a panic attack just THINKING about making 300 bracelets. It is really wonderful that friends stepped up as volunteers to help you complete the project and I truly believe this tremendous autism center will be built some day but there better be a gold plaque on that building somewhere with your name along with thousands of others.

pat said...

O.K. I worded that a little too strongly at the end. Let me rephrase: I hope that you and everyone else making the commitment to this project is recognized for your wonderful contribution.

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you so much, Kathy. Sometimes I feel more like a human "doing" than like a human "being," so I am going to hang onto your words. I love you, too! Let's make plans to get together soon! We have SO MUCH catching up to do!

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you, Michele. After trying to keep up with THREE blogs all these months, it's going to be a walk in the park writing ONE!

Pam Asberry said...

What would I do without you, S.M.? I am adding the following to my bucket list.

Go to Canada and give S.M. a hug.

Pam Asberry said...

Good point, Pat. And we met our goal; we raised $919! But that's another blog post. :-)

Pam Asberry said...

I had to look up the meaning of "penumbra," Pete - what a great word! I have been thinking long and hard about the direction I want to go in with this blog, and your kind words help provide the clarity I need. Thank you, as always, for your encouragement and support!

Julee J. Adams said...

Yes, something did have to give and no one will think less of you for acknowledging that.

I'm not coming anywhere close to my goals since I got the new job and you know, that's okay. Please join with me in making getting enough rest and down time a priority.

It's okay. Give a call if you need to vent. I seriously had the blues yesterday and spent most of it fighting tears. We made another run at it today and feel much better now. Your kids aren't serial killers, your house hasn't been condemned (mine on the other hand...) and you have lots of folks who like and love you.

The word for today is one that needs to be repeated every few months, evidently: slack. Cut yourself off a big old piece, K? Love ya and see you soon!

Pam Asberry said...

Your new job is obviously your priority right now, Julee, so hang in there. And you know the phone works both ways! You can call me anytime, day or night. I am looking forward to catching up face to face over the holidays; in the meantime, let's just keep nibbling on our slices of slack, okay? (((hugs)))