Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Something had to give...
It's hard to explain, but something inside me has changed since I returned from my cruise vacation. For the first time since I broke my engagement two years ago, I truly feel like myself again.
I have always maintained that it takes a minimum of two years to recover from the end of a serious relationship, and I have experienced nothing but heartbreak every time I break my self-imposed "two-year rule." So as far as I am concerned, everything that has happened since said broken engagement has been rebound relationships.
And while I'm at it, I am breaking loose from a couple of other ties that have been binding me: Between Birthdays and Writers Li.P.P. There is little to explain, except when something you have created no longer serves you, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let it go.
At the same time, though, I find myself approaching the New Year with a curious pessimism. While it has been arguably the best December on record so far, filled with lunches and dinners and parties with girlfriends and writer friends and family, all that is behind me now and I am left with long days of soul searching ahead. About my shortcomings as a parent. About my future as a writer. About whether or not I dare to even dream about a romantic relationship with a guy. About the twelve days of Christmas and whether or not I am going to waste another minute of my life making New Year's resolutions that don't get kept.
Because I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm healthy and I have big dreams. I'm still hopeful that I'll find a man who can appreciate me and keep up with me; maybe I won't. Regardless, I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to keep seeking my path as a writer and enjoy every precious moment spent with friends and family members. I have much to be thankful for, including each of you who stands by my side every day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll find the strength to put the lights on the Christmas tree.