Sunday, February 19, 2012

Goodbye, Hello



I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
~ Marilyn Monroe

The past couple of weeks have been, well, intense. I won't go into all the particulars; it is enough to say that  between sickness in the family, financial pressure, and an unusually heavy workload, there has been little time to rest and less time to play. For the most part, I've been okay with that; I can get by on very little sleep and often my work feels more like play. In other words, it has been bearable.

But there was a bit of drama in my personal life, too. First, I met a man online; we really seemed to hit it off, and I almost had myself convinced that it was the start of something really good; then, before we even had a chance to meet, he rejected me on the basis of my financial situation. Not that his is any better; in fact, between the two of us, I am probably the more stable and secure. So rather than try to sell myself to him - and I can be very persuasive - I remembered my word for 2012 - RELEASE - and let him go. Considering that he has never been married, never had children, never even been in a relationship that has lasted more than two years, I probably did myself a big favor.

Bolstered by that experience, I mustered the strength to end and on-again, off-again relationship that has been weighing me down for more than two years. And believe me when I tell you I didn't just let go of that balloon; I stabbed it with scissors and watched it skitter through the air helter-skelter for a few moments before landing in a misshapen, wrinkled pile on the ground, then stomped on it until there was nothing but dust left.

Ahhh.

Freed from these burdens, I was struck this afternoon by a wondrous sense of anticipation. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I have the most amazing feeling that something wonderful is waiting just around the corner of me. Is it the love of my life? A financial windfall? A publishing contract? Or all of the above?

I can't wait to find out. In the meantime, I'm living loud, with a heart that's wide open and a spirit as light as a feather.

15 comments:

S.M. Carrière said...

That's incredible, Pam. You are such an inspiration! That guy was probably looking for a sugar-mumma anyway (I mean, it's not like you were asking him to support you).

I know that feeling, and I have to tell you, it's right. Something wonderful is headed your way!

Pam Asberry said...

That's the impression I got, S.M., and that isn't the first time this has happened. It is darn frustrating. Guys my age seem to be either ready to retire - which I'm definitely not - or looking for someone else to take care of them - and since I have spent my whole life raising children, I am looking for a serious grown-up. Regardless, I feel strangely optimistic. So I'm definitely keeping my eyes open!

Patricia said...

Wow, I love your description of that balloon. I can visualize the picture in my head so clearly. We've all seen balloons do that. So your decision sounds like something similar to "The Vacation." You sound very decisive about it. Personally, I have been sucked in (pardon the unintended pun) by very persuasive phone calls and feeling weak at the time didn't help. How do you avoid that?

Anonymous said...

Now you know why that guy had never married....When I meet a guy and he's never been married at our age, RED flags fly!!!!!!

Patricia said...

Well, I have done it again. Is there an expression similar to" putting your foot in your mouth" when writing?

My comment came out in a way I had not intended. Although I said I worry about being weak, I was not suggesting that you were. The intent was different than what was written. So I apologize and like I said in my blog, "I try." I am surprised you didn't just delete the comment. You should have.

Pam Asberry said...

Pat, I just read both your comments and see no problem with the first one! You used the word "weak" in reference to yourself and simply asked how I avoid being similarly manipulated. So there is no reason to delete anything. :-) To answer your question, it is easy to get sucked in by a persuasive phone call, especially when the caller as an object of affection. Now that my decision is made, once and for all, I will simply refuse to entertain conversation, period. Good luck with your situation!

Pam Asberry said...

I suppose there are exceptions, Anonymous, but it's probably generally true that if someone has reached middle age and never married - and never even been involved with someone for more than TWO YEARS - he is either gay or has serious commitment issues. Thank you for your feedback!

Tracy Makara said...

Good for you! Isn't it great when we stop ignoring the red flags? I've learned this within the past year and whew...so much less hassle. I loved what you said about selling yourself and totally get it. I used to be that girl too. Great post! I'm definitely joining your blog. Best wishes in your search. :)

Pam Asberry said...

Yes, Tracy! It's taken me far too many years to learn these lessons, but the timing is what it is, and I have to believe it is perfect. And yeah, it was weird; I actually said something to the guy I talked about about wanting to try to talk him into me, and that I probably could, but that I had done so to my ultimate regret in the past, and that I wasn't about to do it again. His loss, right? Thank you so much for following my blog; I look forward to getting to know you better!!

Denise said...

You ROCK. Good things are a coming. Hugs

Pam Asberry said...

Thanks, Denise. I don't know how or when, but I do believe it's true. And of course you have a front row seat. Hugs right back atcha!

Patricia said...

Thanks for your comment. That's me just being wrong before I am wrong. :
My situation was past tense.
I just spent the night with 4 guys. You should be able to figure out that story!!! hee-hee

Pam Asberry said...

Pat, you GO, girl! ;-)

Dan said...

Trust your gut. Stay optimistic. Think with your head. Not your heart. But don't let the heart go un-noticed either.

By The Way... Red flags are red for a reason.

NEVER sell yourself. For love to happen, it has to be a two way GIFT.

Pam Asberry said...

All good advice, Dan. And I totally understand what you said about selling yourself, about love being a reciprocal GIFT. I will remember that!