Friday, March 30, 2012

Living loud. Living NOW.

If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.

~ Emile Zola

It's been a roller coaster kind of month. I've been down with strep throat and a stomach bug. Last week, my 16yo broke his arm, requiring surgery Wednesday morning. Later in the day, my 20yo's car stalled out completely on the interstate; the good news is he was able to coast through four lanes of traffic to safety on the shoulder and call for a tow. My spring break starts today, and I'm going into it with a broken air conditioner. The temperatures are supposed to climb into the low 80's this afternoon, but the repairman can't be here until after six o'clock tonight.

Now, there was a time in my life when a string of bad luck like that would throw me into the brink of despair. I would question every decision that might have brought me to this place, consider the possibility that it was all the consequence of evils committed in a past life, make myself sick with worry over so much responsibility and the ever mounting bills.

But I have been too busy to wallow in self-pity. Because this month I also got to visit the great city of Savannah, Georgia and attend a writer's conference in Pensacola, Florida. I met with Haywood Smith and received some valuable feedback on my novel. And that trip to Tahiti is confirmed; a friend of mine won an all-expenses paid cruise for two, including airfare, and invited me to be her travel companion. It's an opportunity of a lifetime. 

What I have come to realize is that every moment of our lives, no matter what is going on around us, we have a choice. We can live in fear, trapped between regrets about the past and concerns about the future, or we can live in joy, let go of both the past and the future and simply BE where we are, safe in the moment, regardless of the challenges we might be facing.

Now, there are times when fear is a good thing, like when instinct tells us that we are in a dangerous situation and we need to run, fast. Or when we reach a crossroads in our lives and the fear of things staying the same outweighs the fear of making a change, prompting us to create something better for ourselves.

But I am talking about that everyday, mind-numbing fear that can become a way of life. We accept our roles as helpless victims, unwilling to take action because we cannot guarantee a particular outcome. We drift like seaweed on the ocean, battered by every wave that passes, tossed eventually onto shore to wither in the sun, effectively dead though our hearts are still beating.

I continue to meditate on the word RELEASE, deliberately letting go of painful memories as they surface, forgiving myself for past mistakes, releasing concerns about possibilities that I cannot influence. And I keep reminding myself that every second of every day is precious, to pay attention with all my senses no matter what I am doing, to be fully engaged when I am in the presence of another human being, however insignificant that person's role might seem to be in my life.

I have stopped flogging myself in penance for things I cannot change; I have stopped asking myself, "what if?"  Instead of imagining a future fraught with loneliness and peril - always the default; why don't we envision futures filled with unicorns and rainbows? - I choose to focus on the many blessings I have in right here, right now. Yesterday is gone; I have little, if any, control over much of what is yet to be - besides, of course, what I can do in the present moment.

And I'm going to play that moment for all it's worth.


S.M. Carrière said...

I love, love, LOVE this post.

It's not always easy, but it's wonderful to see you move forward like this.

Sending you much love via the interwebs!

Carol Burnside aka Annie Rayburn said...

This is good. You have so much that's positive in your life. Why not enjoy it, right?

Have a great day, Pam!

Pam Asberry said...

Thank you, S.M. The HVAC guy ended up coming first thing this morning; I was a little shaken to learn I need a whole new unit to the tune of $3800 but tears won't change a thing. Fortunately I have good credit; my new AC will be installed on Monday. Onward!

Pam Asberry said...

Exactly, Carol! Fear of the unknown doesn't make it any less certain and diminishes the joy in all that is good. Why not enjoy it, indeed! Hope you are having a great day, too!

Leslie K. said...

Thrilled (and ok, jealous) that you are going to Tahiti!

Lindy said...

Ah, there you are. Love you.